"You're gonna have to kill me"

Last Saturday, this exact time, I was reeling from severe dehydration and trip to the ER. Long story short, I got food poisoning and combine that with Lupus and retching my guts out for about 10 hours straight, blood included = an emergency trip to the ER, a massive dose of steroids, IV fluids and a major 'flare up' of my autoimmune disease, which takes vulnerability like that and goes turbo.

Okay, not exactly the short version....Yada yada yada...and....

I was 'commanded' to eat Popsicles, drink soda pop and only do fluids for 3 days. I asked the doctor if I could do 'diet' drinks, i.e,...no sugar. He answered, "If your car runs out of gas, do you fill it with water?"

"No", ....I mumbled.

So sugar it was for 2 days, day 3 I switched to sugar free.



This brand of traumatic health event happens to me a lot. I remember most events in life by their proximity to crisis just like this. Pleurisy (itis), Gastroenteritis (itis), Emdometriosis (itis), Asthma(itis), Gall Bladder removal(itis), Adrenal Hemorage (itis), Sinus infection (itis), pneumonia (itis), and even crazy person (itis)

I am Queen of the ITIS, landmine lady of health, "Debi Disease".

It usually pulls the rug out from under me and I pop into 'survival mode' and 'endurance' mode.

This time I did not do that.



Although, I was shaky and dizzy, on the 3rd day I went for a walk. The 4th day I did weights and an aerobics tape, (low intensity) and began my eating program again. High protein, low fat, low carb, fresh vegs and fruit, whole grain, lean protien.

Not easy, because my guts were in a twist and the last thing I wanted to eat was an egg or lettuce. Any kind of meat was enough to make me lose it completely.




The fifth day I went for a five mile hike with my kids.

Felt like someone had pulled my plug, but I did it and ate perfectly.




And now, exactly one week later I am completely back with no major change to what I've been reaching for in my goals. I have to tell you that it.... FEELS GREAT!!!

I did not toss up my well worn white flag and succumb to my pattern of being 'wiped out' and 'too weary' to keep striving.

I pretty much felt like I had been hit by a bus. This time I hit back.

As I was running last night and on my elliptical machine today, I felt a deep sense of drain and pull from my sick body. I literally gritted my teeth and said out loud, "Your gonna have to kill me". "I am not stopping". "So there".



I'm not giving up this time. I'm completely back if not better cardiowise after 1 week and eating my proteins and veggies. I made it.

( I hope the 'forces that be' don't actually take me seriously in my determined speeches on the treadmill, however.) I like life too much :)

MVBL Week 7

Danger without the "D" is ANGER. Hills of Hope

I bought this print before Lily was born. I daydreamed incessantly about what it would be like to have a little girl all day every day for 9 months. I was intoxicated by pinkness and sweetness and basked in lovely little images of dresses and pigtails and ballet slippers.

I had originally thought of this painting with the little girl being my Lily and an angel sending her to me.

Now

I think of myself as the little girl and Lily as the angel helping me find my way here.



My children teach me so much. I think, truly, it is because it was not long ago that they were in "His" presence and remember better than I do what was real and what is true.

They know how to forgive so easily. They know what is right so intuitively.

They know how to love unconditionally.



This week I am learning about my path.

There are two paths through life. Love and Hate.

Both motivate.



There have been times I have been motivated by both. Anger and spite are powerful enough to get me going for sure.

There is a path near my house called the pipeline. There are about 3 or 4 hills on this path. I struggle with those hills when I jog. So, I decided to run 'spite' hills. I would think about someone who had hurt me, wronged me or that I was just plain mad at and then muster the gumption to run up that hill with the force and heat of 'hate'.

It worked. I made it up, out of sheer meanness.




I found it worked really great the first time. Yet, all the times after that, well....it started to weaken, wain and wander off somewhere without me. I was left weaker out of breath and out of motivation.

I have a dear friend. She has the integrity of a saint and a heart of gold. She named the hills after her children. As she runs up each hill she thinks of them and what they are in need of and how she can help them and feels the deep love for them that inspires her to run faster and better.

Her last name is "Hill", ironically. Yep, Nik, this one is about YOU. :)



I'm ornery. I'm stubborn. I have been too quick to anger A LOT. Its a weakness, my temperament and propensity to tell people that they can just kiss my running shoes is not good.

I'm changing. I'm going to be better.

Love is just as powerful. Love works better. Love will help me be successful.



This week of mvbl I am grateful for those on my path that have encouraged me, cheered for me, been supportive of me, lead me, inspired me, and helped me every 'literal' step of the way.

I'm actually having a great time. This has been so fun. I am learning so much and having a ball figuring out everything that I can do to make myself healthier.

Gonna take the "Love" route this time. I have a feeling the finish line is just BEAUTIFUL.

Moto Moto - Big And Chunky (WHOLE SONG!)

Is it 'WRONG' to ROCK!!!

Wading through my I pod this morning, I wondered something. Is it "Wrong to ROCK!" I mean, "ROCK OUT!" In caps and seriously loud... Is is bad? I don't know and want to know what you think. Unless you tell me "The Carpenters" is what your running music is, then I can't talk to you at all. Different planets...

I am a fierce filterererer in my household. Lets face it, you cannot watch 10 seconds of most channels on the tv or listen to 10 seconds of anything on the radio anymore and not go, "Say What! Is she talking about S & M? Woah..." "Hold on now..", or, "Did they just advertise a show that starts at 11 pm to my kids watching 7 o'clock America's Funniest Home videos.????? Say who! What is wrong with programmers are they all dense as rocks! Yep. Rocks and Rolls.

And..., back to my questions about "Rocks". I love to listen to loud rock and roll. Sue me, I do. I am all Mormoney USA, but baby Sacajawea loves her some R & R to excercise to especially. I CAN'T run to conference talks! I just CAN'T!

I look at kids like "Marshal Mathers" (if you know who this is, then we are talkin') if not, well, skip to another blog. Okay, Marshal is full of hate and venim. enimenimenim, hmmmmmm interesting parralel found here. I don't want to 'hate' exactly. No venom. Just a great rock and roll song to get my bootie up the long and steep hills on beat. Is that too much to ask of a LDS sister? Maybe?

I'll admit when my day continues past my excercise sometimes the lyrics are stuck in my head and they are not pristine. Not good. Not good. But sometimes they just give me a boost. Like the song, "Chunky" by Will.i.am.

I think you have to click here:

www.sacajaweasinging.blogspot.com

to see the top of the page and listen. Go ahead. Its worth it.


Truth be told these guys are 'rockstars'. In my world they are brave and true and could wipe the floor with any of the degenerate types above. Spiritual Rockstars. (imagine air guitar with a Book of Mormon in one hand and a baptism in the other)

Can you jog to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? If so, WOW. I can't. What do you think? I suppose I could hit it somewhere in the middle, little Cold Play mixed with a smidge of what???? Michael Ballam, IDK. Don't get me wrong there is no harsh language or lyrics or suggestive sturf. Just a funky beat mostly. Come on, tell me you are not singing the 'hippo song "Chunky" above right now a little bit. You are! I knew it!


Seems improbable that the 'sterling set' above would ever "Rock Out!". So? Does that mean I should keep my rockin' and rollin' to a hymny hummmmmmmmm?

Is is 'WRONG' to ROCK? Seriously, I want to know what you all think. Tell meh. I might even listen. For a while, even, unless a really good song comes on. :)

MVBL Week 5 -Down 20- Through 20- and 'Waking up'

I keep having nightmares. Right before I wake up, I am arguing with my dreaming self. "No! I don't live there,... MY life is better than this! This is not my life!

I wake up and look at my room and listen for my kids being awake or not and inhale a deep breath of relief and exhaustion and toxic dreamy air.

No, 'that' is not my life anymore. So why am I dreaming all the darkness again? I think its because I am not covering and shoving and cramming it out of my mind with drug like food choices.

-----------------------------------------------------------------bummer

For every pound I lose I write an damaging memory and mentally let it go. I write the details, the feelings, the pain and then set it free. By doing so, set myself free.

So, at this point. I am free of 20 of 'those'. Goodbye dark demons of damage. Sorry to say I will not miss you creeping into my mind and smashing around with your mean spirited aim at my 'self concept' and sense of worth.

-----------------------------------------------------------------awesome

STUFF I'M STRESSING OVER= The issue of 'not enough calories' to lose weight. I have been told I am not consuming enough. I don't want to consume more. I am listening to my body and it doesn't want more. What should I do? I am under 1,000 a day. Only because I don't feel hungry. Well, except at night from like 10-12pm. But, I am not eating then.

STUFF I'M STRUGGLING WITH= Pain in my joints. I have woken up the last few days hurting in EVERY joint I have. Even before I get out of bed. When my day starts it is like there are rocks in my shoes and C clamps on my wrists. It just plain stinks. It seems to be getting worse because I am beating the heck out of my bod daily.

STUFF I'M PSYCHED ABOUT= Although, it is 'almost' impossible to get started exercising because it hurts like h^$*. After about 10 minutes into it I am finally feeling a 'shift' and I don't hurt as much. I feel better actually. I want to kill myself the next morning, but right after, I feel some better. Its not muscle soreness, mind, its my joints.

STUFF THAT'S CRACKING ME UP= Trying to walk down the stairs and not say, "ouch, ow, mommy, help me" after doing a major aerobic class. - That is funny old lady stuff. - My kids saying, "Mom are we ever going to drink juice again?" - Eating a handful of almonds and then looking for the calories and about passing out!- Dang it, there goes lunch! - How messy my house is. - I am focusing elsewhere....thus my household is a train wreck of clutter filled kid stuff.

And there it is.

I am hoping so much to look back at this blog with a healthy body and smile and say, "What was I worrying about that for?", "Relax deb...."You did it!"

I hope.

Tell them to 'Stop it" will ya?

The strangest things are happening around here this summer.

Like

My kids making their own sandwiches at lunchtime...
or
Doing a seriously great job at doing the dishes
or
Following house rules about screen time and scriptures and snacking
or
Jumping in the car quickly, dressed and with shoes on
or
Being responsible enough to be home alone
or
Going to the park with friends
or
Making yummy salads at dinner
or
Bathing without being reminded
or
Taking charge of the gardening schedule ( okay, i'm bragging a little...., cleverly though)

but

ITS FREAKING MOM OUT!!!!

You see...

I had these small sweet babies to care for for the last 15 years. They needed help tying shoes, and cutting meat, and wiping faces, and buckling seat belts, and finding coats, and well EVERYTHING!!!

Yesterday, we went to the pool. I played with Lils in the shallow end for a half the time and then, well, .... believe it or not, just went and swam laps for 30 minutes. She had only her brothers and no life jacket even and I just LEFT!

What!?????



I used to pine over all the stuff I couldn't do. I would think to myself that "One day, I will just get to do what "I" want finally. Ah, wouldn't it be nice to just run to the store ALONE! for once!!!

Well...

Its not that great.

I was pining over nothing.

I go to the store by myself all the time now. I can even tell the kids I am going jogging and will be back in an hour, and just walk out the door!!! By myself!!!

What?!!!! When did this happen?

Yesterday, in the pool. I jumped back in to Miss Lil, I grabbed her up and held her warm and wet cheek close to mine. I swirled her around the pool like a little mermaid and felt that bond. You know, the one from when she was a baby and clung to me in the water and I could feel her warm and nervous little body taking safety in my arms.

I LOVED THAT

and

I LOVE THIS too.

But...



ALL my 'freedom' is, well, 'overrated'.

I wish there was a rewind button. I miss warm baby cheeks in cool water so much I could just cry.

Think Adam would mind if I picked him up and carried him around the pool?!

The funny thing is that HE could do that for ME now :)

MVBL Week 4 "An Argument With Brownies"

AN ARGUMENT WITH BROWNIES

I saw you last night
Sitting there with your carmel centers snickering at me

Made with Canadian chocolate
The 'good' kind, saved for special occasions

All of you were yelling at me all at once
Saying, "Come on lady! Bite me!"

I looked right into your deep brown chewy eyeballs
I was almost convinced, for a mili second

But

(no I mean)

BUTT

I ignored you. I did.
You tried. But, I won.

Plan on me winning again, you dang little brownies..

I will never get enough of the likes of you, and that hurts,
So I might as well, hurt now and not suffer your effects later

Don't mess with me brownies...
I'm meaner than you will ever be.

I have a dark side too.

Sure, underneath I'm gooey just like you
However, I'm much tougher than you will ever be

You "look" sweet but we both know your true identity
Your dark inviting 'life trapping' side

Try not to take this personally, but the watermelon...

Well....it


WAS


DELICIOUS!!!!