MVBL Week 5 -Down 20- Through 20- and 'Waking up'

I keep having nightmares. Right before I wake up, I am arguing with my dreaming self. "No! I don't live there,... MY life is better than this! This is not my life!

I wake up and look at my room and listen for my kids being awake or not and inhale a deep breath of relief and exhaustion and toxic dreamy air.

No, 'that' is not my life anymore. So why am I dreaming all the darkness again? I think its because I am not covering and shoving and cramming it out of my mind with drug like food choices.

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For every pound I lose I write an damaging memory and mentally let it go. I write the details, the feelings, the pain and then set it free. By doing so, set myself free.

So, at this point. I am free of 20 of 'those'. Goodbye dark demons of damage. Sorry to say I will not miss you creeping into my mind and smashing around with your mean spirited aim at my 'self concept' and sense of worth.

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STUFF I'M STRESSING OVER= The issue of 'not enough calories' to lose weight. I have been told I am not consuming enough. I don't want to consume more. I am listening to my body and it doesn't want more. What should I do? I am under 1,000 a day. Only because I don't feel hungry. Well, except at night from like 10-12pm. But, I am not eating then.

STUFF I'M STRUGGLING WITH= Pain in my joints. I have woken up the last few days hurting in EVERY joint I have. Even before I get out of bed. When my day starts it is like there are rocks in my shoes and C clamps on my wrists. It just plain stinks. It seems to be getting worse because I am beating the heck out of my bod daily.

STUFF I'M PSYCHED ABOUT= Although, it is 'almost' impossible to get started exercising because it hurts like h^$*. After about 10 minutes into it I am finally feeling a 'shift' and I don't hurt as much. I feel better actually. I want to kill myself the next morning, but right after, I feel some better. Its not muscle soreness, mind, its my joints.

STUFF THAT'S CRACKING ME UP= Trying to walk down the stairs and not say, "ouch, ow, mommy, help me" after doing a major aerobic class. - That is funny old lady stuff. - My kids saying, "Mom are we ever going to drink juice again?" - Eating a handful of almonds and then looking for the calories and about passing out!- Dang it, there goes lunch! - How messy my house is. - I am focusing elsewhere....thus my household is a train wreck of clutter filled kid stuff.

And there it is.

I am hoping so much to look back at this blog with a healthy body and smile and say, "What was I worrying about that for?", "Relax deb...."You did it!"

I hope.