You LOOK nice today, but ARE YOU?
More often than not, I am troubled by the word 'nice'.
She is SOOOO 'nice'. He is SOOOOO 'nice'. THEY are SOOOOOO 'nice'.
N.I.C.E.
That word gives me a HHHhhhmmmmmm........ mid sentence/typing/thinking.....
Hmmmm....
I will tell you right now, I do not think I am very 'nice'.
I choke on 'nice'.
Let me tell you why before you say, "I always knew she was a hater...."
I know a ton of people who say, "No offense, but.....", "I'm not trying to be mean but......"
"She is NICE, but......"
OR
Does being 'nice' require you to shroud everything you say and or do with a preface of its 'niceness' qualifier? Does that actually work?
Actually, it does. You can say, "That was not my intention" which is the adult way of saying,
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO....."
and get off the hook ~
happens a lot
What if you are 'acting NICE' but really FEEL mean?
If you are speaking from a 'fake' or saccharin posture....
Is it actually a way of being 'NICE' or is it a way of being clever/false/disingenuous?
I'm actually pretty sure it does not 'COUNT' if your viseral meanness and your intent do not match your visible efforts. Yet, if we all really truly expressed our discontent and judgement verbally, we would be fairly honest, and frankly
MEAN
It is best we keep that stuff to ourselves. It is. We should not have a license to harm for 'honesty' sake alone. I'm not sure I want NO FILTERS out there. We need the edit button in action. I do.
Yet, I'm still confused. Mostly, because I don't think I qualify as someone you would call,
"Nice"
I am generous, I am willing to serve, I am a hard worker, I am kind, I am good at sharing myself,
I am a thousand other adjectives
except for
NICE
I've worried over that a lot. I examine it daily.
I've spent a lot of years handing out cookies, and baking bread, and offering....
Don't get me wrong
I am a thoughtful person
but...
I wasn't raised by 'nice' people.
No offense Mom and Dad, but.....
SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?????? Lol!
Fact is, my parents were, most of the time, completely unaware of others.
Both uniquely eccentric and self involved, they did not model
'NICE'
That does not mean that as an adult I do not know how to act nice.
I do.
Its just the ACTING part I struggle with ...
And yet, if I am really being my genuine self, I will probably end up doing things like:
Telling you the truth when you ask my opinion
(don't want the truth, don't ask me, ask someone 'nice')
Laughing at someone else's foibles
(life is funny! especially when something unexpected happens!)
Pinching or punching or popping you in the arm
(i'm like that, i will whop ya)
Playing a prank on you
(ice water in the shower, polish on your toenails on april fools day, goofing with your phone)
These are things I am POSITIVE
"Nice"
people would never do.
Told to "disguise" these, so nobody would know what they were.... this was the result.
If I was 'nice' I would be 'sad' if this was embarrassing to that person.
I'm not,
so I just think
it is
HILARIOUS
My question today is really one thing....
"Can you be perfectly 'nice' and still have a decent personality?
What do you think?
I've been waiting for this one. I haven't been able to give you my definition in full, yet. Completely my own, not etymologically grounded.
ReplyDeleteNice is the counterfeit of kindness. I prefer kindness. Kindness is genuine love and concern for another's life, feelings, burdens, etc. completely bereft of selfish motivation and arrogance. Nice is still concerned with #1, aka ME. I want to APPEAR nice, I want someone to like ME, I want SOMETHING from them.
Niceness easily disappears when it doesn't serve ME anymore. Like when I want to gossip, or when it might INCONVENIENCE me, or if it demands any real SACRIFICE from MY time, energy, or effort. OR dare I say, when it means letting go of being a victim and feeling sorry for ourselves, because someone else out there has it worse than ME and deserves my kindness.
Be kind. Everyone you meet is having a hard battle. -Marjorie Pay Hinckley
That was one super fast response.
ReplyDeleteI was still editing ~ thats what is up with the timing...
ReplyDeleteGreat comment. Difficult posture daily, but something to strive towards.
PS. I'm NEVER going to be nice to you again.
I've often thought maybe NICE is something we say about someone when we don't have much else to say? "Oh, she's... nice." If I think about someone who never has anything bad to say about anyone, which is maybe the epitome of true "niceness," like Sally Bender, if you asked me to describe her I would probably say "kind hearted, willing to help, loving, steadfast, warm." So much more than nice.
ReplyDeleteLaura, I love what you said.
Okay, but what about the person who never has anything bad to say about anyone????? Seriously?
ReplyDeleteAre they someone you admire because they have self control over their speech and temperment?
Are they someone you would travel with? This is the question I ask myself to find out if I really like someone or not. :)
What I can't decide is, is that real, or just a coping mechanism for getting through tough conversations unscathed.
I would rather be a bit 'undone' and real than say what people want to hear because I'm afraid.
I think I actually am terrible at this, and probably trying to justify it.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'll Sally Bender myself for a while and see if that makes me less conflicted.
I'll let ya know how it goes...
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ReplyDelete...another thought. Rise above talking about people and talk about ideas instead.
ReplyDeleteNow you are talking Elenor Roosevelt L.... :) nice one
ReplyDeleteI actually really liked what you deleted about what comes first. I do think 'fake it till you make it' works. Never has any sustainability, but it works for a while to get you through tough stuff.
ReplyDeleteI think you are being hard on yourself. Elder Uchtdorf's talk is going to be interpreted and misinterpreted a lot to the individual. I can tell you that already. Are you feeling guilty because you SEE negative behaviors in others? Is that judging? We are required to judge, ask Elder Oaks, and Moroni. Are you feeling guilty because you say something is negative in someones behavior? You CAN'T DO THAT! You must only see and speak sunshine and lollipops, even if she is abusive, or he is a rapist. Is that what it means not to judge? 'Cause let me tell you, that's not nice. I don't think that is what Elder U was saying. It's all about intent...and being honest about that intent.
ReplyDeleteYeah... I'm definitely not a person who only has nice things to say about others, but I think I always wished I were without realizing that that might make me fake. Although I can think of a lot of people who are fake nice and Sally isn't one of them so maybe I will have to ask her secret. I like what Laura said about sometimes having to judge, and I'll bet you hate it as much as I do when people pretend that life is "sunshine and lollipops" all the time (such a funny way to put it). But I find that the more I dwell on it the more cynical I get, and also it shocks me how what I think about people depends more on my mood than their actions. So I guess I will keep trying to think/say nicer things about people, generally, without being fake. I'm sure you've both learned in your lives & marriages that sometimes silence is better than honesty or that "I'm just being honest" can be a pretty lame excuse for negativity, so maybe it really does come down to intent?
ReplyDeleteAs to 'someone you would travel with'... I have often thought about this because I had a good friend in college who was the sweetest girl but I quickly lost touch with her when I moved away because I couldn't carry on a conversation with her over the phone. I realized we didn't have much to talk about because we were fundamentally different, in that she was nicer than I was! I realized that I prefer to converse with people who are real, even if sometimes that means cynical or a little bit mean!! Plus I can't stand it when you can't make a decision with someone (like where to go/what to do) because they are too NICE (passive?) to tell you how they really feel. Just have an opinion already!
I have thought a lot about "talking about ideas instead of people" as I've come to believe sort of subconsciously that talking about people to my husband only doesn't count as gossiping, and then I feel free to say whatever I want. So I talk about people more than I ever did before, in addition to ideas of course, because it's just so interesting to compare how people act and react and wonder out loud what makes them do what they do and figure out what you want to do with your life... like you said above, is this just justification for my sometimes negative observations about others?
And I'll have to think some more about faking it til you make it not working in the long run. Hmmm.
I guess I'm not very NICE either!
ReplyDelete