The Valentines Heart Mend ~ORRC style

In general, I'm not much of a cryer.  I don't know why.  I just don't usually cry when other people do.  When my children were born I did not shed a tear.  Rather, I was in a state of shock and kept repeating,"I can't believe he is real", stuff like that. Its like I stand outside of most major events as a commentator instead of as a participator.  Odd? I suppose. Just me, though.

YET

This week I had my heart broken and then mended and it....

Made me cry! 

Yes, I suppose, now I am one of those sappy eye leaker all overers.  I give.

Wanna know what did it?  What melted my uniquely dry heart?

Oh, alright, I'll tell you, but only cause' you will not stop asking. :)

Once upon a time, 6 years ago... I started running.  True, I surprised myself by finishing 5 whole minutes on a treadmill initially, and then, well, it took on a life of its own.  I would wake up feeling like running and couldn't wait to get outside.  It changed my life. I ran my first 10k with the Oregon Road Runners Club in Champoeg Oregon.  My goal was just to finish.  I did.  I got my little yellow fleece jacket and felt like I was on top of the world.

Then I got very sick.

Very.

I had pneumonia on repeat/extreme fatigue/pain in every joint in my body/headaches etc...etc....

I fell into 'survival' mode.  My life consisted of making sure kids are clean and fed and got to school.  I stopped moving and surrendered to the disease I was once diagnosed with years before: 

Systemic Lupus.  It came back with a vengeance and I lost my momentum.

LONG STORY ~ shorter~ We moved to Washington, I stayed ill for about 5 years.  I was frozen.

Until last summer...

I walked around my block with my hips literally SCREAMING with every step, my shoulder completely locked and arm unusable, and with a significant amount of weight I had gathered while ill and unconsciously eating and not moving.  It was embarrassing to walk that day. I was consumed with self awareness and pride.

But...

I kept walking and walking and walking and walking.  Little by little by little I got stronger.  I started a new medication and began to heal a bit.  Still had symptoms, but was able to move.  I started jogging/running a few minutes at a time.  Truly feeling like 10 whole minutes was a miraculous running phenomenon worthy of the 5 o'clock news :)

Every time I would run I would pay an extremely high price in the 'pain management' column of my life for days on end.  Yet, I kept going.  My momentum was returning... one step (literally) at a time.

I set a goal to re-run the Champoeg race in Oregon that I had done 6 years before.

The idea of that scared me to death.  Which is why I decided I had to do it.

I jumped online to find out when the race was and started running.

I came back to officially 'sign up' and discovered I was TOO LATE! The race was CLOSED!!!

I literally felt my heart break and my stomach lurch... Waves of sadness roared in my ears.

THEN...(because I'm a persistent little bugger)

I started BEGGING.....seriously......BEGGING the ORRC leaders to let me run...  I told them a little about how symbolic the race was to me and pleaded for a chance.  All those miles, all the workouts, every time I fought this damnable disease to get to do this race again was slipping away from my grasp.  I am only one teeny tiny step ahead of Lupus and I thought,

"Crap its going to get me again".

And then.....

The night before Valentine's Day I got a call from Billy Strick.  A stranger.  The guy in charge of the races for ORRC.  He MELTED my heart by telling me they would add me to the race.  To top that, they are doing it for FREE!  I was elated to say it mildly. Here is the letter I got the next day:

Steve Steiner

Feb 14 (1 day ago)

Good Morning Debi,

Billy Strick and I are excited to have you take part in the 10k!

Attached please find the registration form for your complimentary entry to the Champoeg 10k / 30k on March 3. Please mail the completed form to the listed address. We look forward to finishing the 10k!

Sincerely,

Steve Steiner

I had to leave on some errands right after the call and for heaven's sake I BAWLED the whole way in my car by myself.  I just truly could not hold it back.  Water works USA!

Can you stand it?  Isn't that so WONDERFUL, that they would do that for me? 

I'm so so so grateful.

I'm going on March 3rd to reclaim my 'true' self on the trail. 

The symbolism couldn't have happened anywhere else.

Thank You ORRC!!!!

I'm slow...but I am going to finish if I have to freaking crawl and scratch to the end with my fingernails in the dirt, dragging a locked shoulder and an old lady hip down that trail to the

finish line!

I'm coming back.

In EVERY way.

SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD......AND

SHE WILL.



~LIGHT LOOKER UPPER~

My wonderful husband and I were blessed enough to visit our temple here in Seattle this weekend. 

And as I am 'wont' to do from time to bloggity time, I realized something. 

I am a

LOOKER UPPER

I know it may seem more reverent or pious to keep my head bowed.  Yet, during meetings and sometimes during quiet prayers, I look up.  Everyone else is looking down.  I look up.

I can't help it.

That is where the LIGHT IS

 Am I in trouble?  Should I be?  It's in my nature to look to the light, yours too.

I LOVE the reflections, literally and figuratively. Light breeds light.

In our temples there are often chandeliers.  They are the perfect symbol of that principle.

Reflect is a VERB.  The crystal and glass reflect if filled and so do we. 

 If we are filled with the LIGHT.

It is my 'pinion that there is very little difference in

THIS LIGHT

and in

THIS LIGHT

Really, they are the same.  We are suppose to LOOK UP for answers, inspiration, guidance, help, more understanding.  It is much easier for us here on earth if we have the truth

ILLUMINATED.

Next time the sacrament is passed.  Try looking up at the lights.

Recognizing the symbolic source of the literal LIGHT.

and then

LET

IT

SHINE

Some lady 'BROKE MY SMOLDER' yesterday. :(

Still 'SMARTNG' from something that happened yesterday.

Feeling quite CRUSHED actually

I can't let this one go for some reason. Pity pot USA

I ran 6 miles yesterday.

During my run, I notice a car slowing down and a lady popping her head out the window.

She yelled, "GOOD FOR YOU!!"

I pulled out my ear buds and said, "Excuse Me?" "I couldn't hear you".

She said, "GOOD FOR YOU!"

I smiled and said, "Yeah, thanks!" and kept running.

But, what I felt was awash with shame and negativity.

My guess is that she doesn't pull over for the average runner and say, "GOOD FOR YOU!"

Just my particular SIZED runner gets her attention.

I mean, seriously? I'm sure she meant well, but what it sounded like was like someone talking to a child to try to convince them they are doing well while actually what they are thinking is, "Ooh, I hope you don't blow it."

I suppose I could have taken it that way.

Yet, I did not.

This happened in the Fall while I was riding my bike as well.

Some lady in a VW bug yelled out the same saccharin, "GOOD FOR YOU!"

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm going to make a shirt with my story screen printed on it and wear it when I go running.

This is what it would say:

I HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY ILL FOR 5 YEARS

I AM ONLY ONE TEENY TINY STEP AHEAD OF A RAMPANT DISEASE

YET, I AM RUNNING ANYWAY

SO

SHUT UP

AND GET OUT OF YOUR CAR

AND

LETS RACE!

FIRST ONE TO THE FINISH LINE MAKES THE OTHER ONE

KISS THEIR "WELL WORN running shoes"

(I'll let you guess what I really want them to kiss )

People

Bug

Winter Green=Seattle's scene

You know that mint gum; Wintergreen?

Although we have had a spell of white.

I feel certain that they may in fact have named it thus, because of the emerald city.

Those of us who live, reside and love this place, earn every flower and every green leaf.

We are making layaway payments right now, on a beautiful spring on its way.

The temperate 50 ish degrees this week means we can visit the

beach

mountains

museums

Is it bragging too much to call it truly

Idyllic?

We love it here. 

Thought I would put a few photos on here for the blog book yet printed.

Winter Green = Seattle's Winter Scene

I'm going to teach you something about TEACHING SOMETHING

I've been privy to a couple conversations of late that make me

 'disagree in my head/and promise to do a post about it later'.

I am going to be NO FUN to talk to soon, for fear I will post your remarks.

 Eh, I'll risk it.

The topic at hand is teachers.  I feel completely confident in my absence of intent as I am no longer teaching professionally, or even in church at present.  So, watch out, TRUTH, here we come.

The 'rumor mill' was grinding on my teaching style as a preschool teacher a few years ago.  The rumor: "She loves the kids and is great with them but she is not academic enough." I want my child to be READING by kindergarten for that price!  Alas, 'rumor mill' phraseology makes for a dry and tasteless bread that must be choked down regardless of

the flaky croissant of REALITY sitting right in front of them.

The REALITY is this one simple concept:

IF THE CHILD TRULY FEELS THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THEM

 (they can spot 'posers' a mile away!)

THEY WILL PRODUCE BETTER.

also

THEY WILL LISTEN BETTER.

THEY WILL TAKE STRIDES IN TRYING TO PLEASE YOU OTHERWISE NOT TAKEN

THEY WILL FUNCTION WILLFULLY AND WITH ENTHUSIASM

THEY WILL PROGRESS MUCH FASTER ACADEMICALLY AND SOCIALLY

Notice how Heavenly Father helps things grow.  (above photo) 

The basic elements are proffered.  Yet, the LIGHT ENERGY (Sun) is what pulls the whole plant out of seed to its fruition as flower. 

 Any teacher can run flashcards/correct/drill/

choke with curriculum needs

then hit repeat 10 million times...

HOWEVER

Really good teachers infuse what they are teaching with THEIR ENERGY.  They give it away to your kids.  With this, the child can bloom and grow.  The minutia will manifest itself in their progress when they are ready and developmentally primed.  It will.  Yet, without a direct connection to a generously loving teacher it will take longer and flourish in 'people pleasing' instead of intellectual stimulation.

Long term the results are much better with a beautifully caring teacher

compared to a rigid facts focused one.

Facts are good. 

The fact is if you want to teach a child you have to learn to love them first.

If they KNOW you care about them as little people, they WILL thrive.

Start there, and then hit the flash cards :)

r.e.a.l.

I consider myself a 'figure it outer'.

I like to think about ideas until I feel abated and satisfied.

One idea I have been tumbling on the 'optimum dry' cranium cycle is the concept of:

being REAL

What if that means that I feel like being a grump?  Am I allowed  to 'be real' and cuss out the proverbial 'customer service lady' on the phone?  Hey, I'm in a grouchy mood, I'm just 'being REAL'

and

What if that means that I tell you my 'real' feelings about your hairstyle?  Lets say you are a mullet man.  Can I be 'real' and say, "You need to cancel that 'party in the back' action pronto, my man"

No, I don't really think it means that we get a license to 'divluge' our head trash every second we feel inclined to scorn or squelch someone else.  I'm not buying that angle.

Rather, its about deciphering the 'posers' out there.

Come on, you know you've been one.

I have.

I remember when Adam was an infant, we moved and had a RS presidency visit at 9am.  I had taken him to the doctor that day, very early and he was dressed nicely, so was I.  My living room just happened to be clean.  When the doorbell rang, I thought, "Sweet, what a wholesome impression I will make on my new RS leaders."  They will think this is how together I am every morning by 9am!

What I now realize, is that they knew I was a faker, a fraud, and certainly they did not assume that I was 'perfect'. It was dumb luck. Mature women know life is just life and everyday is not pristine.

That is what I think is broken.  I'll even give it a name; PMS= perception management syndrome.  In other words the ridiculous energy, effort and scheming that is called upon to manage other people's perceptions of you and your family.

Hey, I've been very successful in the past at 'marketing' my impressions.  Now, I'm older and a bit wiser and true to my creation, undeniably fallible in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. I can happily announce that I am in no way perfect and you are welcome to come over anytime, clean or messy, tidy or tossy, plaque filled smiles or ivory like flossy.

HALLELUJAH!!

I am now free to just be real.

That means;

Some days, my car will be trashed, 

 some days it will be clean.

Some weeks, I will read the Sunday School lesson, and

some weeks I will not even be able to find the book.

Sometimes, I will feel like dialing in with my kids,

some days I will wish they would leave me alone.

Some days, I will wish I didn't do "that",

some days I will be complacent.

Sometimes, I will have a beautifully coiffed hairdo,

sometimes it will be a greasy sweat dried ponytail.

If you meet somebody 'perfect', don't buy what they are selling.  You are getting RIPPED.

I am going to guess that behind the 'percieved perfection' there is a closet full of crappola.

Ironically,

I ended up in a RS presidency and on one of those particular visits.  We went to visit a sister with a meticulously manicured household.  We had a pleasant time and as we left I mentioned the pristine nature of the housekeeping.  As we pulled away the RS president said to me, "When a house is that militant, I worry about the kids"

R.E.A.L.-ly???

Mother Nature gave us a SPANKING

Today, I want to do a bit of 'chat smatter' about the mother of all MOTHERS.

Madre de' Naturale ~ Mother Nature ~ AKA "The Boss"

And, while it is true there is not proof of an actual 'Planet Mom'.  I do view the earth that way.  Always giving, teaching, offering, lending, showing me everything.

Maple Valley, my quaint town, took a lesson from her last week.

We got our tails whooped.

And although, I don't think I can bear the repetitive

'OHMYGOSHSNOWISONTHEGROUND'

one more time. I thought I post about a couple derived facts therein.

Fact:  YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE

Fact: YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO YIELD

Fact: YOU WILL ABIDE IN CERTAIN FRUSTRATION

IF YOU DON'T SURRENDER

Fact: WE ARE SUPPOSE TO KNOW HOW TO BE AROUND OUR FAMILIES

WITHOUT DISTRACTION AND LEARN TO

 STRIVE FOR EACH COMFORT GIVEN

Fact: WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO BE PROVIDENTIALLY PREPARED,

IT SHOULD NOT BE A SUPRISE WHEN SHE THROWS A FIT

 AND WE NEED STUFF

Fact: WE ARE GIANT WIMPS

Course' I'm still sort of incredulous that my husband left at 11pm last night and came home today at 3pm because of the 'Microsoftians' insistence on working NO MATTER WHAT. That's 17 hours straight through the night and all day folks. I sure hope that Bill dude is satisfied.  I dunno, if there is ice on the sidewalk, walk on the grass.  Better yet, just go home

and.....get this.....there is another option you can use;

W.A.I.T.

I, for one, am not a woman who likes to be pushed around.  I'm guessing 'Mother Nature' is not fond of it either.  (yes, I am aware 'she' is not actually in existence) I speak symbolically.

The humans need to know their PLACE.  They need to know how to wait to get what they WANT.  They need access to the lessons of PATIENCE.  They need to acknowledge a SURRENDER. 

Stop all the fussin' and stick close to your family

ALONE for the duration

and don't make

HER

come back and give you somethin' to

CRY ABOUT.

Cause'

SHE CAN

(these paintings are the work of Emily Brown and are for sale at present if you are interested)

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edb5k@yahoo.com