What do they know that we don't?

 

 

What do they know that we don’t ?…

We are flying away from visiting our family that lives far away and I am feeling these pangs of longing and love that need words taped on to them to make them last forever and not ever go away.  Words keep.

These experiences being included in a family have left me with feelings of inspiration and motivation and with some questions...really. Like, "How do they do that?" "What do they know that I don’t?"  "Why can’t I seem to pull off the same level of successful family life and culture?"

It is that 'family culture' that is frankly astounding. I mean it. I am left in a state of awe. Really.

I love to watch how my father in law and mother in law operate in their home. It is an absolute reality that you are included and welcome in every single way possible.  The idea that as a family you are ‘one’ in today’s world is an anomaly, an absurdity even, something to be mocked and ridiculed as impossible. So how do they do it?  How have they successfully pulled it off all these years?

There is this genuine unselfishness that I have yet to witness in any other setting.  A complete lack of self care and focus entirely on the comfort and assistance of others. I truly have never ever seen anything like it anywhere else.

For instance, in my home, and especially when I feel exhausted by my efforts to be a ‘good hostess’ I am greedy for my personal space, I crave the ability to pursue my goals unfettered by requests from others. Yes, temporarily, I can offer comforts and kindness to those in my care, but I weakly feign interest and barely make it through the long days of homemaking and cooking and taxi service.  I fail at being attentive and flounder at being ‘others centered’. I suppose that is the very essence of an equation I cannot dictate the sum of; I am self centered and they are other’s centered.

Here is the astonishing part: Participating in and being a recipient of their generous kindness changes me. It does. All of a sudden, having been filled with their goodness, I am full. When I am full I have more to give others. I can offer more because I have received more. It is a miracle that keeps on turning circles and producing its own likeness. Like the mirrors in the celestial room of the temple it just multiplies and grows and if nurtured,... NEVER ENDS.

The children receive it. The grandchildren receive it. It carries and passes and grows and turns back again. To be frank, it tempers my ill willed side and creates a desire for me to perpetuate the generosity. I am kinder to my husband, to my children, in my phrasing of others faults, not only am I finding more time to be available to others, when I interact, I am, in fact, kind. Not just acting that way.

Slowly, I begin to feel this support under my life, a sort of grounding of principle. We are good. I am good. I am worth something. I am doing what is right. It is okay. I am well. Life is really beautiful and everything is going to be okay.

Here is how that message comes to my heart. It is in the sound of my Father in Law's voice. This voice is in control, confident, real, in tune, eager to help, wise, good, secure and unconditionally loving.

It is in the laugh of my mother in law. The questions about whether everyone has everything they need. What is fair? Did it work out? What is the best solution to this problem? Something that affected her and made her cry? She shares that loving experience  and in doing so she is sharing who she really is inside. She is beautiful. She is available, she wants to help and rejoices in the goodness of others. It is better to leave the world behind. It is better on her side. She absolutely knows the way back home and she wants you to come with her. She will not be 100% happy until everyone is all together and within her reach.

Like the dessert that is only truly delicious when you can say, “You gotta taste this”, the view that is only spectacular when you can share it with the ones you love the most. “You just gotta see this..” Sharing it makes everything more beautiful. Emphasis on the ‘full’.

Full. This is almost the right word. To understand it better, you have only to visualize its opposite. Empty. What does a soul feel like empty? It is not like not feeling anything at all. It is a peculiar and poignant pain that can change who you are. Just like being full can change who you are and make you well.

Dipping into a perpetually empty container just leaves scratches and dents in the carafe. Receiving, the only problem produced is if you will be "too full". The only question to answer is, ... Will it run over….?

Here is the ‘get’. When it runs over, it goes into everyone else's lives. Negative or positive. It just flows.  There was a perfect phrasing brought to my attention by my nine year old daughter one day when she was having trouble getting along with her older brothers. She stated her feeling so perceptively, she actually said, “Well, I just got so mad and I don’t’ want to keep it, so I wanted to give it to them. “I don’t want it.”

I don’t’ want it either. Problem is, it is hard to know exactly what to do with it, how it got there and why I don’t seem to be able to manage it on my own. When I spend time with my in laws it seems so obvious how I should handle things. How I should treat others, which choices I should make and how I should manage my selfish feelings. There just is not time enough to allow the darkness and negativity to be a part of our lives.

I leave making these specific goals: To kick the world out more, to fight Satan’s influence harder and with more vigor, and to be like my good hearted father in law and mother in law. I don’t want to miss my chance to be a part of this beautiful family forever by allowing anything in that would keep my selfish ways a priority.

I am sure it takes a life time of practicing self denial and unconditional love. I expect it did not all come to them in the course of a decade or even a couple of decades, but I suppose that is our job as the second generation, to learn. Learn from them.  Be conscious of emulating them, make an effort to add the unselfish patterns into our daily lives. Add patience to our perseverance. Add patience to our communication patterns especially with those we love. Condition ourselves to deny ourselves of selfishness and greediness. 

Be better. Hey, we have all seen the example of how to do it. Not everyone gets to see that. We are the special few who have seen it in action, felt it in our hearts and received it gladly from them. It is time to give back and fulfill the measure of our creations and fulfill their legacy by being the most like them that we possibly can.

And, we can, because we know them and they have loved us.