lost and FOUND

I'm not crazy about doing this. But, as I prayed this morning THIS story kept coming to mind. Its MY story. I tried to share part of it with some family this weekend and failed miserably to articulate what had happened. After 40 years, I think I can share parts of my story. Maybe.

Most people who meet me or talk to me think certain things. They assume my life has come straight from the "Wholesome and Healthy" family channel. Hey, I wish there was such a channel! I would order cable right now! Yet, I digress...

These 'outside the circle' folk are way off. W.A.Y.

I seem to have a 'sunny' disposition. Even when I was serving an LDS mission on the Navajo Indian Reservation the "Indian" name that was given to me was "Shandiin", which means 'sunshine'.

This means that I am often categorized as a product of healthy and loving relationships and environments. I have heard this many times, "You must have the most amazing parents to have turned out like you have"





Yeah, I'm sunny and unusually happy and do sort of exude stuff that is shiny.

But its not because I was raised that way.




My story is not your story. Or most people's story for that matter. Yep, I realize no one has a perfect history, and sure I understand everyone has damage and dysfunction to a certain level. I get it.

but....

This story is unique to me and for some insane reason I am going to blog about it from time to time. This blog is M.I.N.E., I created it, I write in it, I 'own' it, so I am going to....well....use it. Use it. Tell my story and hope it helps me. Helps you. Or just is. Is, is okay with me.



I had a moment this year that made me pull my car over and cry loud and heavy and with racked and raucous happiness. I was just driving down Hwy 18 and it hit me. My son had just turned 15. I was thinking about him and his life and if I was doing a good job raising him.

I realized something.

This precious child had never, not once, not even for a second of his life felt anything but stable, well cared for, loved, taught, guided, supported, lifted, praised, disciplined, adored, warm, well fed, accepted, and cherished.

Not one day of his life had ever felt like my growing up years did. Not ONE.

I realized with a stunning and spectacular understanding that I had done that. I had given him what was never given to me. I had broken the 'cycle'. I wanted to scream and cry and dance and fall apart all at once.

I was 14 when my family life was at its most hellish. MY son had NEVER experienced anything even in a shadow of such acrid rancor. EVER.

It felt divinely healing. Over,...somehow. Like holding your breath under water and finally surfacing and inhaling clean and real air desperately and deliciously.


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Its so beautiful,....really. To be able to offer to someone else what was never offered to you. To find within who you are the very thing that is of deficit and create it out of nothing and then offer it outwards.

Beautiful.

I have done that. I am still doing that. Everyday.

Here is how.

I believed in something. I believe still. It changed my identity, my dark history, my value system, my perceptions, my world.

It healed me. I am whole. I am sublimely blessed and happy. I am the definition of grateful.



I'll fill in the details, I promise. But for now, this is a start. See that girl in those photos above? She has a story. She was lost and now is FOUND, and I'll tell you how and why soon.