Missing MOJO (mom joy)

Missing MOJO

(mom joy)

This is a photo of me and my mom. Albeit there is a random piece of paper scanned to look as if it is flying up her nose, but that is not my problem with this photo at all. Its it entirely something else.

My problem is that I grew up in a situation where it was completely obvious that the kids in the house caused nothing but stress and frustration to their parents.

There are long stories all over the place here that I cannot exactly even begin to describe, but today I am wondering where

MY

MOJO

WENT

I'm refering to 'Mom Joy'

I swore I would NEVER be a parent that seemed to resent parenting. I chose to become a mother very contently. I gave up a myriad of other avenues and firmly placed my feet on the street called, "Mom". I have dedicated my existence to this street.

So

What in the heck is wrong with me? Have I just been used up and walked over and sacrificed too much over the years? Am I just as burned out as my own mother was in that photo?

Gosh, I hope not.  Imagine that little girl to be Lily instead of me.  Do I want Lily's mother to be agro ALL THE TIME?

As I take a step back and look at my family life a couple things have changed lately and I am wondering what could be contributing to this lack luster perspective.

1. I don't eat as much chocolate as I used to. I feel certain I was dazed and delirious on sugar for my kids younger years. I was overwhelmed and nothing worked like a batch of hot cookies and cold milk to ease all of our attitudes into a quiet buzzzzzzzzzz. This season of my life I have decided to focus on regaining physical strength and maybe that is making my fuse too short?

2. I have spent time with other moms who do not at all love being mothers. In fact, they do everything in their power to avoid every interaction that will deplete their already empty mom buckets. I think this has been an unfortunate alignment that has shifted my intentions towards my babes. Although, it is not my style, some of it has rubbed off.

3. I have a precious son who has now decided from time to time that I am a tyrant. Yes, its true. I have pretty much warned him his whole life that he would eventually kind of hate my guts, and he could not even imagine it.  It has happened.  I'll admit it is difficult not to take it personally. I'm hurt by it and instead of crying I get fierce.
(not to worry, I always get him back, mostly by 'DANCING behind him when he is not looking)

4. I've become spoiled by the quiet hours of the day. When they are taken away by long weekends or vacation weeks, I have realized I truly miss that peace and quiet. This is surely because I am getting older and less tolerant of chaos. As soon as I have the house to myself when school is in session I take a deep and happy cleansing breath......Aaaaahhhhhhh

5. In that train of thought, I just can't seem to muster the gumption to actually engage in 'play' as much with my kids. When Lily (who does not have a sister and needs one) asks me to play "Littlest Pet Shops" its all I can do to cleverly word my refusal and not hurt her tender little feelings. I can't summon imaginary play for long. I used to be great at this. I miss it.  Carter loves games and is forever asking for someone to challenge him and 'take him on'.  Sadly, I choose sleep over most activities after 8pm. I'm tired from all this dern running people!

6. And the finisher, is the post 9pm need to 'talk'. Dude, I am just d.o.n.e with the day at that point. I need to let go of the tedious nature of repetitive life and read in peace. Yet, that is when teenagers seem to need my energy the most. That is when they are ready to talk. It is painful. In fact, so much so, that I did express to them that if they really need me they should come to me before 9, as I am much more willing to work things out with them before then. Did not really work...

Here is my promise today:

I am going to try harder to remember what it felt like to be little.

I am going to try harder to muster that last bit of patience and hand it out freely.

I am going to let go of the stuff that really does not matter.

I am going to intentionally enjoy them more.

I am going to be present.

I am going to play.

and

In a few more months, I am definitely going to

EAT MORE

CHOCOLATE