What do they know that we don’t ?…
We are flying away from visiting our family that lives far
away and I am feeling these pangs of longing and love that need words taped on
to them to make them last forever and not ever go away. Words keep.
These
experiences being included in a family have left me with feelings
of inspiration and motivation and with some questions...really. Like, "How do they do that?" "What do they know that I
don’t?" "Why can’t I seem to pull off the same level of successful family life
and culture?"
It is that 'family culture' that is frankly astounding. I mean it.
I am left in a state of awe. Really.
I love to watch how my father in law and mother in law
operate in their home. It is an absolute reality that you are included and
welcome in every single way possible.
The idea that as a family you are ‘one’ in today’s world is an anomaly,
an absurdity even, something to be mocked and ridiculed as impossible. So how
do they do it? How have they successfully pulled it off all these years?
There is this genuine unselfishness that I have yet to
witness in any other setting. A complete
lack of self care and focus entirely on the comfort and assistance of others. I
truly have never ever seen anything like it anywhere else.
For instance, in my home, and especially when I feel
exhausted by my efforts to be a ‘good hostess’ I am greedy for my personal
space, I crave the ability to pursue my goals unfettered by requests from
others. Yes, temporarily, I can offer comforts and kindness to those in my
care, but I weakly feign interest and barely make it through the long days of homemaking and cooking and taxi service. I fail at being attentive and flounder at being ‘others
centered’. I suppose that is the very essence of an equation I cannot dictate the sum of; I am self centered and they are
other’s centered.
Here is the astonishing part: Participating in and being a
recipient of their generous kindness changes me. It does. All of a sudden,
having been filled with their goodness, I am full. When I am full I have more
to give others. I can offer more because I have received more. It is a miracle
that keeps on turning circles and producing its own likeness. Like the mirrors
in the celestial room of the temple it just multiplies and grows and if
nurtured,... NEVER ENDS.
The children receive it. The grandchildren receive it. It
carries and passes and grows and turns back again. To be frank, it tempers my
ill willed side and creates a desire for me to perpetuate the generosity. I am
kinder to my husband, to my children, in my phrasing of others faults, not only
am I finding more time to be available to others, when I interact, I am, in fact,
kind. Not just acting that way.
Slowly, I begin to feel this support under my life, a sort of
grounding of principle. We are good. I am good. I am worth something. I am
doing what is right. It is okay. I am well. Life is really beautiful and
everything is going to be okay.
Here is how that message comes to my heart. It is in the
sound of my Father in Law's voice. This voice is in control, confident, real,
in tune, eager to help, wise, good, secure and unconditionally loving.
It is in the laugh of my mother in law. The questions about
whether everyone has everything they need. What is fair? Did it work out? What
is the best solution to this problem? Something that affected her and made her
cry? She shares that loving experience and in doing so she is sharing who she really is
inside. She is beautiful. She is available, she wants to help and rejoices in
the goodness of others. It is better to leave the world behind. It is better on
her side. She absolutely knows the way back home and she wants you to come with
her. She will not be 100% happy until everyone is all together and within her
reach.
Like the dessert that is only truly delicious when you can
say, “You gotta taste this”, the view that is only spectacular when you can
share it with the ones you love the most. “You just gotta see this..” Sharing
it makes everything more beautiful. Emphasis on the ‘full’.
Full. This is almost the right word. To understand it
better, you have only to visualize its opposite. Empty. What does a soul feel
like empty? It is not like not feeling anything at all. It is a peculiar and
poignant pain that can change who you are. Just like being full can change
who you are and make you well.
Dipping into a perpetually empty container just leaves
scratches and dents in the carafe. Receiving, the only problem produced is
if you will be "too full". The only question to answer is, ... Will it run over….?
Here is the ‘get’. When it runs over, it goes into everyone
else's lives. Negative or positive. It just flows. There was a perfect phrasing brought to my
attention by my nine year old daughter one day when she was having trouble
getting along with her older brothers. She stated her feeling so perceptively,
she actually said, “Well, I just got so mad and I don’t’ want to keep it, so I
wanted to give it to them. “I don’t want it.”
I don’t’ want it either. Problem is, it is hard to know
exactly what to do with it, how it got there and why I don’t seem to be able to
manage it on my own. When I spend time with my in laws it seems so obvious how I
should handle things. How I should treat others, which choices I should make
and how I should manage my selfish feelings. There just is not time enough to
allow the darkness and negativity to be a part of our lives.
I leave making these specific goals: To kick the world out
more, to fight Satan’s influence harder and with more vigor, and to be like my good hearted father in law and mother in law. I don’t want to
miss my chance to be a part of this beautiful family forever by allowing
anything in that would keep my selfish ways a priority.
I am sure it takes a life time of practicing self denial and
unconditional love. I expect it did not all come to them in the course of a
decade or even a couple of decades, but I suppose that is our job as the second
generation, to learn. Learn from them. Be conscious
of emulating them, make an effort to add the unselfish patterns into our daily
lives. Add patience to our perseverance. Add patience to our communication
patterns especially with those we love. Condition ourselves to deny ourselves
of selfishness and greediness.
Be better. Hey, we have all seen the example of how to do
it. Not everyone gets to see that. We are the special few who have seen it in
action, felt it in our hearts and received it gladly from them. It is time to give
back and fulfill the measure of our creations and fulfill their legacy by being the most like them that
we possibly can.
And, we can, because we know them and they have loved us.
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